Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in i can only go downhill from here on out...........'s LiveJournal:

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Friday, February 27th, 2004
12:33 am	holy shit.................................... it still werks. i really cannot believe it. thats good though! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 26th, 2003
8:11 pm	holy jeez............................................... this thing is still active. i thought it would have been closed out by now. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 12th, 2003
1:10 am	The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell! Here is how you matched up against all the levels: Level Score Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Very Low Level 2 (Lustful) Very High Level 3 (Gluttonous) High Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) High Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) Very High Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) Extreme Level 7 (Violent) Extreme Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Extreme Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) Very High Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 24th, 2003
9:01 pm	i have been feeling very distant from even myself lately. i hope it will get better soon....................... (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 15th, 2003
2:51 am	this is....... .well..........................oh well congrats! you are an artsy indie fuck! you understand way more then any normal human being in so much ways. you listen to the most excellent abstract music and analize everything it means and even doesnt mean! art is the life around us and no one else could possibly think about understanding it what type of indie fuck are you? brought to you by Quizilla (Comment on this)
Friday, February 7th, 2003
10:16 pm	we just got a new computer.................................... yipeee............... i think i am actually smiling right now (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
11:24 pm	bout time....................... i always start to update and then i just can't think of anything to say. i really enjoy where i live now. it has been rather comfortable. i work almost all the time so i stay busy alot. this has helped me greatly. i see that alot has changed in my little world lately and some of it doesnt make me too happy. i just need to forgive what i can on my end and hope that others follow suit. i have been making rather poor choices recently and i can see the error in them. i can only try to do better in the future i guess. i have basically pushed my back against the wall at my day job. one more missed day or one more tardy and i am out the door. for some reason i always have to put myself into these kinds of situations before i can straighten up and do what i am supposed to do. i guess i just like the pressure of it all. the only other thing that has been bothering me lately is the fact that someone i considered a good friend appearantly hates me now. over something i don't even know about or remeber. it's very sobering to lose a friendship this way because you don't even know where to begin with damage control. all i can say is that it has been bothering me alot more than i thought it would initially. you really can't guess how you will react to these types of things until they are happening to you. i just want it all to be over and done with. sigh......................... i havn't been very happy as of late and i don't really know what is getting me down. i just have a feeling inside like something was stripped from me and i havn't really replaced it yet. i have so many wonderful things to be happy about right now but these feelings of doom keep dragging them, and me down with it. i need to focus on the good things, i know that. it's just harder to take initiative sometimes. well i guess thats about all thats been going on lately. something else will go wrong soon. i'm sure of that. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 6th, 2003
2:28 pm	yippeeeeee an update. wow! i really have been very lazy with this thing. so much is different now. i live in san marco. that's just weird. but i love the house we live in and i think that i am going to be very happy there. i have a new transmission in my car so i can actually go places if i like and that is very good. i have also been working at sonny's at night again so i have a little extra money from time to time again which is nice. things have been pretty good lately so i guess i should just get ready for what ever is coming.....................................................boy aren't i ever the optimist. till then...................................................................................................... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 2nd, 2002
9:07 am	ooh boy well the holidays were festive. i even enjoyed being around my family. this year wasn't as strange as last year.i can't believe how much things have been changing for almost everyone i know lately. not that any of it is bad per se, i am just used to things being alot calmer. well i guess i better get back to pretending i work here. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 10th, 2002
9:33 pm	wow we have a computer at home again. it will be nice to be able to post updates on a regular basis.seems like the past year has just flown by for me. i will be 29 years old on the 20th. that is just a little scary. i guess i have been doing alot better lately, even though i just slept through this weekend due to depression. funny thing is that i really don't get depressed about anything in particular. i just feel myself slipping into it and i just stay there until it passes. i think this might be a good sign because when i have had enough of it i can generally just pull myself out of it. i just feel like i have maybe forgotten the person i used to be. i know people change and grow and all that but, i really don't know who i am anymore. it used to be fun but it is annoying now. it is very nice having my car again. i have been able to go and come as i please. been nice getting out of the house. oh well i guess i will go back to sleep now. work is such a nice escape......................... (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 30th, 2002
2:30 pm	why i bother, i'll never know.......................................................... everyday it becomes more and more appearant. i am learning to hate myself. it started as a small dislike. but now i think i truly hate myself. this should be fun to watch unfold............................................................................................................................................... (Comment on this)
Monday, September 23rd, 2002
11:58 am	yep.yep....yep........yep? thought this was rather funny i am an indie snob! How indie are you? test by ridethefader You're just too cool for school, aren't you? You're pretty narrow minded and opinionated with regards to music (and probably most other things as well). But you're allowed to be, because you really are better than everyone else. You take pride in obscurity. You probably prefer vinyl too, you elitist bitch. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 10th, 2002
11:17 am	yippee........yippee........................................................................ i get to work on saturday. isn't that just wonderful. i need the money though. i think it will be great when i can look back on all of this in a year and see how my life was going. might be scary though. keeping this thing has been quite therapeutic at times. i still haven't decided whether or not i will be happy living where i am or not. i just want to get married and buy a house. i see that so clearly now. i really do want a place of my own, but i think i would go crazy if i tried to live alone. at least i can realte to phillip half of the time i guess. i enjoyed living in st nicolas but it was too much a situation where i was odd man out all the time. i liked the people i was living with, i just don't think i was meant to live with them. oh well. i will just have to wait and see. i really need to see someone about my head. i have been dropping into depressions lately for almost no reason at all. and my new insurance will not pay for those kind of things. so i really do not know where i should look for help. on a brighter note, i am really looking forward to finally getting my car. i have been procrastinating over this for far too long and i am finally almost able to afford to bail my liscense out. it has really been far too long. ok, off to work now.................................................................................................................................................................... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
11:57 am	thought of the day.................... Life is what you make of it. and it looks like i have made a mess! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 17th, 2002
8:51 am	oh wow............................................ it is already the middle of july and i feel like this year has just flown by. i was looking forward to moving again but now i am a little nervous about the whole thing. i have really fallen out of touch with most of my friends and for some reason it feels natural for this to be happening. i guess it is just part of the healing process. i have gotten so much better and i feel more in control of my thoughts lately. the only strange thing to pop up is that my insomnia is back again. seems to be a yearly occurance. can't say i am happy to see it return but i am sure i will live through it. just waiting to be happy again. i feel the progress but sometimes it feels like one step forward and three steps back. oh well................................... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 11th, 2002
1:29 pm	wait and see........................................ it will all come to pass. i see the need for change in my life. and i am ready for it in a way. i just feel sooooo much better about myself latley. now i just need to find someone to share it with. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 30th, 2002
2:58 pm	sometimes it just fits........................................... i just can't shake the feeling that through it all,it's all for nothing. people tell you that life is to be spent in the pursuit of happiness. i guess i still don't know what direction i should be running in. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 10th, 2002
9:04 am	life is what you make of it......................................................... i just don't know what parts to take i guess. i really have to get better soon or i do not think i will make it. i just feel like a complete failure lately. my room-mates seem to only want me there so that they have someone to prod and make fun of. i am beginning to hate my job. i still havn't gotten my license straightened out so i can't drive yet. so weird to think that i moved out with the intention of being around people and trying to be happier. now i live there and i still get stuck at home, alone mostly. and when i do have others there it seems like i am so removed from what is going on with them. i am constantly being reminded of what a dork i am. or i just get forced out of the room by sheer numbers. i seem to be the focus of more than a few inside jokes around the house already. i have already lost count of the amount of times that i have turned around to find others smirking and laughing only to recieve the answer of "nothing" when i ask what is so funny. if i am just being paranoid about it all then i will get over it soon enough i guess. but it is very hard to try to feel positive about yourself when others are there and making you feel like you are worthless and only good for making fun of in your own home. i will not even begin to comment on the fact that i could be lobbing insults just as easy if not easier. i just thought that we were all friends, and i did not think that friends treated each other this way. i know i have my problems. and i know that i make mistakes. but i am human and i thought that we were supposed to be a group of people that was able to accept the subtle quirks that make us different from the masses. i guess that i am starting to see the scary xenophobic nature of some of the people that i have chosen to live with. the same people who want to be accepted for who they are will cast judgement on me for not being like them. seems rather silly to me. in other news i am feeling more and more at ease with myself. i have really come to accept my life as the one i must lead. i am not happy with it but i guess it will have to do. i realize that i have become bitter. i felt that take hold about a month ago and it actually wasn't as scary as i thought it was going to be. i didn't want it to happy but it has and i have accepted it. i really don't think that i can ever believe in love or happiness ever again. i see the people around me who are supposedly so happy or in love and i think that only about 8% of them really are. i think that people just seem to want to put up that front and keep appearances decieving so that they do not seem as bad off as the rest of us. but how many times have you seen people as happy as they seem to be when they are in a social situation when they are at home or alone? i am not saying that it doesn't happen. just not as much as people claim. well i think i have whined enough for one day. i hope i have fun this week-end. i am sure i will be very entertaining for my room-mates and all. and just maybe i can be in on the joke instead of being the joke this time. my new # is 346-3677 just in case someone doesn't have it and might want to call me. i think that my room-mates will be out of town for most of the week-end so i will be alone and ready to hang out. (Comment on this)
Monday, April 29th, 2002
1:12 pm	it only goes to show................................... had an enjoyable week-end. i got to see a bunch of people that i don't see very often so i was very happy about that. i will be driving again very soon so i may find another job for myself. i just want to make more money so that i can take a long vacation somewhere far away this year. i feel like i have just been getting bored with my life and i need a change. i just wish that i knew what i was looking for. oh well, who really knows that anyway. i can't wait to be happy all the time again. i hope this is possible. oh yeah, i got heckled and gay bashed on sunday morning in riverside this weekend. it's good to know that people still care. too bad i'm not gay though. i wanted to let them know that but i didn't want to spoil their fun. they really seemed to be having a good time. see that's what life is about, making other people happy. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 24th, 2002
1:36 pm	html> You are the menthol of all menthols. All the other menthols are just wannabes. People either love you, or hate you. You could care less. You demand extreme loyalty from your friends and tend to embody extremes. Find out what cigarette you are. Take the Cigarette Test byGirlwithagun (Comment on this)